The Air of Hell Tolerates No Hymns

Governmental Lameness.

2009-09-27T20:41:00.000-07:00

No doubt you all have heard the recent ruling banning flavoured cigarettes.

Total bullshit. The FDA is clearly owned by Philip Morris and its power-run towards total dominance of the tobacco industry (because guess who is not affected by the ban at all? Philip Morris!). Not to mention the effect this will have on small specialty-tobacco sellers, who are already have enough trouble getting by.

Lame, Obama. Lame.

Not to mention I'm currently watching a thing on American Nazis on National Geographic...Bloody hell, this society. I can't buy cloves yet Nazis are allowed to have rallies in the streets?
That's some real bullshit.

Apologies For My Shitty Desktop

2009-08-18T00:53:00.000-07:00

The reason I haven't been updating is because for some reason my desktop would type every word I wrote out in Hindi...I don't know Hindi. I'm on a different computer right now and managed to fix the problem, so hopefully I will be able to actually write in this damn thing.

Tom DeLay is going to be on Dancing With the Stars. Am I the only one really freaked out by this? The last things my troubled, sleep-deprived mind needs is to see Tom DeLay shake it on Primetime TV. The world is a hideous place.

In other news, I need money. Who wants to give me money?

Hey, if anyone is reading this then give me a topic and I'll turn it into a crazed rant. Any topic.

It is 4 in the morning and I am watching the Deer Hunter. This Bedtime Tea isn't really working. I haven't gone to bed before 6 AM (at the least) in several months.

Dead Whale Bomb

2009-06-29T21:24:00.000-07:00

Earlier tonight I watched a Discovery Channel/National Geographic show about a dead sperm whale that exploded as it was being transported through downtown in Taiwan.

That's right, a dead whale EXPLODED in a metropolitan area. Blood and guts EVERYWHERE.

It didn't explode from a bomb or anything like that (though some people did think that originally. "Terrorists are now planting bombs in beached whales AAAAHHHH!!") Essentially it exploded because of the rate of decay from being in the heat and the gasses building up inside of the carcass.

Don't play with dead animals, especially 50-ton sperm whales.

Rock and Roll Bullshit

2009-06-26T20:58:00.000-07:00

Okay, okay...I am actually REALLY sorry about neglecting you, my poor blog.

I'm going to talk about this June in terms of music. No, I don't really want to talk about graduation, the last few weeks of high school, how much I hated Prom, or how I feel now that I'm done with school. I went to some really awesome concerts and got some CDs and I want to talk about those.

Right now I am listening to the "Twenty Years of Dischord" compilation. It is well known that I have been a Dischord fan for years (and it just seems to get more and more intense by the year as I discover new bands that I like off that label), since I got into Fugazi at around 13-14 years old. The first part of the comp is 50 of Dischord's bands in a roughly chronological order, so of course it starts with the Teen Idles. The second part is a CD of unreleased materal and there is also a book the history of the record label and each of the bands on it.

You can imagine how much I am dorking out over this. Where did I get it? I found it randomly in the Melody Record Shop in DC in Dupont Circle. Yes, the record shop right next to the GLBTQ bookshop Lambda Rising. Cost me $25.99...Totally worth it to me.

About all the concerts I have been too within the last few weeks. I went to see David Byrne and Brian Eno at Wolf Trap as sort of a graduation gift from my two best buddies. It was too loud and crowded for my liking, and there were tons of 40-somethings drunk of wine coolers and beer trying to dance and screaming for David to play "Burning Down the House". He did...In a tutu. However, he did not play "Psycho Killer", which disappointed me a bit.

Next concert was free tickets I won to see John Vanderslice at the Black Cat. I adore John Vanderslice, and he's even more loveable in person! He's really sweet, great live, and really connected with his fans. He even signed my copy of "The Life and Death of an American Fourtracker"! I took my friend who I had gotten into John Vanderslice...And who STILL has my copy of "Pixel Revolt"...

The most recent one was Frodus. For those who don't know who Frodus is...Well, they are pure post-hardcore, spazzcore madness. You'll have to look them up. I went because I needed to get out of the house and I needed to hear some really powerful music and just let go for a while. They were absolutely amazing live, just pure passion and fury. And I got an awesome Frodus shirt.

Next post I may talk about cigarettes, cigars, and tobacco pipes (and not in the PC "No! No! BAAAD!!" manner).

Sorry....

2009-04-15T19:41:00.000-07:00

I didn't mean to stop writing. Got caught up in other stuff and was frustrated from lack of people reading, so I took an unintentional hiatus.

If there's anything you would like to see me give my views on go ahead and tell me and I'll probably do it.

I'm waiting for the day when people make sense to me.

2008-10-08T22:25:00.000-07:00

I've tried my best, but I can't make heads or tails out of what the fuck people try to pass as logic. Is humanity really that stupid or are we just so self-centered and ignorant that we can't make 2 + 2 = 4?

I want to give up on people, ALL people. Every now and then I find one that is able to see over the fence....And then I find 1,000 more that make me just want to nuke the whole planet.

Am I expecting too much out of people? I hold them to the same standards that I hold myself to and all I want is for things to make sense to me.

I really am better off just isolating myself from the rest of the world. Death Valley looks more appealing every day.

Apologies for the long wait for a new post, but it is not like anyone reads this anyway.

Obama kicks puppies.

2008-08-01T22:52:00.000-07:00

I really can't fucking stand Barack Obama's rabid followers.

He's not the damn Second Coming of Jesus Christ. I'm sick of hearing how he's going to be the Saviour of America. Everyone is so goddamn in love with him.

To me he seems like a wannabe-Kennedy. Looks like John, talks like Robert...And I don't even like the Kennedys.

I hope he gets some real mud on his face...He needs to be brought down a few notches to reality before he finally trips and it does some real damage.

Don't get me wrong, I admire John McCain as an individual, but I probably wouldn't vote for him in this particular election (totally would have been great in 2000).

This election is lame as hell. Personally, I would have really liked the idea of an Edwards-Kucinich ticket, but that would never happen...My next one was a McCain-Edwards (crazy, I know, but awesome), and then Zombie Richard Nixon-McCain.
I'm completely serious.

Don't fuck with the classics

2008-07-14T14:53:00.000-07:00

I went to go see Hancock on Saturday (I wanted to see Hellboy II instead). But that's not what I'm going to talk to you about.

I like movie previews, they give me something to look forward to in the coming months or show me how far down the quality of movies has become.
That evening I saw the ultimate sin.

They are doing a remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still! With Keanu Reeves as Klaatu! When I saw that I started yelling bloody murder in my seat.

This is horrible. Not only is this one of my favourite films of all time, but is one of the greatest Sci-Fi films of all time. This film is a classic. You do not fuck with the classics.

Someone needs to die for this.

The Neon God They Made

2008-06-21T16:57:00.000-07:00

I have ambitions and expectations. Sometimes they are hard for me to communicate....Actually, most of the time.

A number of projects have been taken on by myself, but for most of them I expect to be alone.

I have been taking a lot of long walks, pretty much daily, even if this often absurd Maryland weather. Concentration is needed and it has always been hard to get that at home.

I am quite lonely, but this is nothing new.

Let's Talk Music

2008-06-12T19:58:00.000-07:00

I have a few albums I feel like recommending to the general audience.

"Arthur or the Decline and Fall of the British Empire" by The Kinks. Everyone always freaks out over the Beatles films and crap like Across the Universe. Listen to this and wonder why no one ever picked it up again for a film like it was originally meant to be.
"New Day Rising" by Husker Du. Most say that "Zen Acarcade" was their best album, but I disagree. I'd say this is their best and "59 Times The Pain" is one of the most emotional songs I've ever heard while still sounding brutal.
"Sea Change" by Beck. This was a major part of my soundtrack to life post-breakup. Probably his most serious album, no tricks or weirdness.
"There Will Be Blood: The Original Soundtrack" by Jonny Greenwood. If you know your Radiohead, then you know who Jonny Greenwood is. Hard to believe he composed this intense score.
"Emerald City" by John Vanderslice. This album is about life with 9/11 looming all over it. The first track is filled with great imagery, yet simplistic.

We'll see how this goes.

We're Going Drivin'

2008-06-04T18:30:00.000-07:00

I really should have my driver's liscense by now. Sometimes I like to think that I'm doing a favour to the general population by not driving. S0, here are 5 reasons why I don't drive:

1. I get bored and startled really easily.
2. I have no problem with running down pedestrians that piss me off.
3. Remember that scene in Annie Hall where Christopher Walken's character talks about how sometimes he secretly wants to run over the guardrail and crash while he's driving and killing himself...Yeah.
4. I get annoyed and impatient pretty damn easily, which would cause frequent road rage.
5. Cars make me sleepy. I'm a wretched insomniac except when I'm riding in a car.

I'm buying a scooter and bumming rides.

Now I'd like to talk about something completely different and food-related.
Orange Juice.
I can't stand concentrated orange juice, I can taste that it is fake just like how I can tell the difference between regular and diet sodas. They are totally different. This has been going on for years and I cannot for the life of me understand how people don't notice things like that. Concentrated orange juice tastes bitter-ish and diet soda has a gross aftertaste. I don't care what new innovations come out, they all will never taste like the real thing.
I also cannot stand anything flavoured like cherry with the exception of Lucene's cough drops, Kool-Aid, and realy cherries. Cherry candy is....Not cherry. Who decided that it tasted like cherries?!

I am an unlikable, disturbing, and creepy person...And a target. I'm not bragging about it, but I'm stating a general fact that seems to a constant theme whenever I step into school.
Why bother? Its not even worse taking them all down to Hell with me anymore. There is no justice, no peace. It is humanity at its most insincere and pointless.

Forbidden Beat

2008-06-03T17:28:00.000-07:00

I'm listening to one of my old Bad Religion albums right now..."Suffer". I believe I bought it around the age of 13 and used it as my wake-up alarm for a spell (which my mother was not happy with). But I would have to say that my favourite Bad Religion album of all time is probably "The Process of Belief". But I'm sad to say that I haven't been keeping up with them anymore, despite the fact that both Greg Graffin and Brett Gurewitz are one of the reasons why I started writing song lyrics at that time...Them and, of course, Michael Stipe.

I have a lot of books that I've been currently reading. I wish I had a quieter place to read, most of it gets done in the latest hours of the night (around the time I do my laundry). Recently, I found my copy of Soren Kierkegaard's "The Seducer's Diary" and Ralph Waldo Emerson's essays and poems, both of which I thought I had misplaced. Now if only I could get back my copy of Milan Kundera's "The Book of Laughter and Forgetting"... I recommend any of these books.
I've also started reading the novel that a movie I quite like is based on: "Mysterious Skin" by Scott Heim. The film was done by Gregg Araki, who ususally is known for his experimental teen films, but took a serious turn for this one and I'd say he did a very good job. The subject matter is very dark, so I wouldn't suggest it for all.

No idea why I feel the need to do my laundry at times like 1 AM. It seems reasonable to me to do it at those times, much to the confusion and annoyance of a few others. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I like to wake up with my pants fresh out of the dryer. There is nothing like putting on warm, clean clothes in the morning (especially if you live in a cold basement like I do).

I really need to get around to finishing watching Z (a foreign film from the early 70's).
And in other news, the TV remake of the Andromeda Strain is hilarious....They really messed that one up.

This is at least a year old, maybe a year and a half.

2008-06-01T18:52:00.000-07:00

None would looks me in the eye,

So I laid myself before the road

Staring up at the sky turning red--what a Communist it is!

The priests present their offerings and leave them to rot at the alters

All mankind forget and I expect nothing less

In the street the cruel, warm asphalt ingraining into my back,

But still I cannot tune out

Leave me to my methods!

Have your voice taunt me no longer!

Forsaken men and their insolent howls bring upon the Rapture!

Iconoclasts, heathens, drunkards, and grubbers raise a glass to toast to success

But no part do I want, at least be no longer.

No holy book do I possess, no Scripture nor faith in Man, God, or Self

I will retire to my gravely chambers, no company will I keep.

Conversations Make Me Paranoid

2008-05-27T16:36:00.000-07:00

They indeed do make me quite paranoid, almost every single one does. I try to choose my words with the utmost care but ususally end up screwing up anyway. Skill in the spoken sense does not come easily to me. And it is very easy for anything said to be used againist you in the future by anyone. Recording devices are getting smaller and smaller and doctoring techniques are getting more sophisticated. Talking to people in person is completely uncomfortable for me.

I've started recording again. Not anything official yet. (For those of you that don't know, I have a lo-fi music project called the Trudeau Solipsist Union that has created one album and a demo in the past two years). I really want the new album to be underway soon and to get people involved with it's creation. Associates are lazy fuckers. I still want to buy minor electronic drum system or the like. But the recordings so-far are showing new additions to the sound. I probably have most of the lyrics ready to go already. Contact me if you have any interest.

There is also another musical project I have that is in the works. It is a hardcore/post-hardcore band called The Omega Glory. So far there are only one other person besides myself who plans to be involved. Lyrics are already being worked on...Maybe I'll post them sometime. Quite a few were written at my job, so they reflect the boredom and frustration I had at the time.

Born of frustration.

Prayers on Fire

2008-05-19T21:48:00.000-07:00

Once there was a night. The air was clear and nothing could be heard.

I wandered to the middle of the street and knelt down upon the asphalt under the streetlight.

The chalk in my hand touched the ground and there I drew a box around where I was kneeling.

That box commanded: "Disappear Here" and I labeled it such.

I know it lied to me.

That night air and streetlight were false prophets.

Oars of Fire

2008-05-16T21:22:00.000-07:00

I fully admit to being a bitter, angry, misanthropic, hate-filled, nihilistic jerk at times...Most times.

But at least I am passionate.

And I have been listening to insane amounts of Lungfish recently and lots of other old Dischord stuffs lately.

Nature will whip your ass.

2008-05-16T19:32:00.000-07:00

I'm quite cold right now, but I have a sweater on right now. The goosebumps on my arm are now gone but there is still that internal chill running through me. When it gets really bad I start twitching like mad, like the twitches I would have back in my freshman year. The internal chill just sucks the life right out of you and makes the Loneliness even more apparent.

I can hear my puppy banging and jingling upstairs. He is a noisy beast....But that's something entirely different.

Everyone has heard of the recent natural disasters in China and Myanmar (why can't it just stay fucking BURMA). Yeah...Sad and tragic and horrible. Natural disasters bring out one of the worst things of my character.
High body counts intrigue me. I like the body count to measure the range of the disaster, otherwise it just doesn't accurately describe what happened...All these adjectives people throw around "horrible", "catastrophic", et al. don't mean shit if it doesn't have the death count that goes with them. A huge-ass tornado comes and one 1 person dies, that's not a catastrophe...That's just some poor, unlucky bastard. Screw you, newspeople.

I root for the disaster...Always. Learn not to feel for the sob stories and root for the twister. Volcanoes are always the best.

Which brings me to the subject of the people on the news. There are reasons why I get my news online these past few years. I want to punch the newspeople. Their faces bother me, they stare too much, and they mispronounce and misenunciate their words. They look like the love-children of the Children of the Corn and the Stepford Wives. They don't blink like normal people, same with babies and Hilary Clinton. There is this one local newslady with reddish hair who I just want to hit for no good reason...She really freaks me out and her laugh causes me to cringe.

I have a mean case of writer's block going on for the past week or so. I blame my medication, I seriously do. Many times I think it would be better to be completely off and possibly dangerous while being madly creative than safe, stable, and frustrated. There might be more on this another time.

An Open Letter to my Ex (who probably doesn't read this anyway)

2008-05-12T12:50:00.000-07:00

Dear________,

I have some good news for you. [I wrote this on a napkin at work and it has a grape soda stain on it]

I believe I have fallen out of love with you. I have come to my senses and realized no good could ever come out of a romantic relationship between the two of us, and that I deserve better [as do you, someone who isn't completely whacked out]. You have shown me this [because you're a poseur with a cold heart].

I hope I have not offended you with my bluntness...Or maybe I do mean to. But with your cold attitude over the past weeks makes it impossible to gauge a reaction anyway. I am not sure if this is how you treat all your friends or just me....I'm pretty sure it's just me [no shit, right?]. Mind you, you were the one who wanted to still be friends and I've being nothing but friendly.

Don't get me wrong, I still care about you [because I happen to be a nice person]. I am just sick of all the bullshit when that comes from putting in more than I will ever get. I wish you the best of luck and hope for future conversations between us [even though you are most likely high anyway and these days only talk about that subject].

I may be a bit bitter, but at least I am no longer delusional. I know when I'm being fucked around with and been mistreated in the past.
As the band Heatmiser once said: "What a monster this kissing disease".

Oatmeal

2008-05-08T18:54:00.000-07:00

Yes, the title of this is oatmeal, as is the subject (at least for a while).

I like those Fruit and Cream variety packs of instant oatmeal. They pretty much always come in the same four flavours, no matter which brand you buy: Strawberries and Cream, Peaches and Cream, Blueberries and Cream, and Bananas and Cream. Bananas and Cream is by far the best one...Always. Strawberries and Cream kind of blows.

Here's the issue:
Why the FUCK don't they ever sell the Bananas and Cream in their own box?! I would sure as hell eat an 8-pack box of that. It pisses me off that I can't find it anywhere except for two measly packs in the Variety box. I know it's a goddamn marketing conspiracy...Fuck you, Oatmeal People.

There are some more issues that I will touch upon briefly, but I'm still annoyed over the oatmeal.

Ever see the movie The Last American Virgin? It's an early 80's film that wasn't as big as the others in it's genre, probably because it didn't have a happy ending like John Hughes' movies did...But not everything turns out all nice and dandy like a John Hughes movie. Nice chaps really do finish last. I feel like the main character Gary, probably now more than ever...Heartbroken, lonely, and confused by the end. Unrequited feelings are hellraising bastards.

And the movie Say Anything creates a loathing in me. It was such a lie, such a damn lie. For Keeps bothers me too. I think that was the thing that killed Molly Ringwald.

For a long while I couldn't see the stars at night in my neighbourhood. Trees, clouds, bright streetlamps, and vertigo would always prevent me from seeing them and this went on for a few years. Sometimes I like to shine my laser pointer directly into the sky and wonder where the beam hits.
...Sometimes I like to freak out drunk people downtown with my laser pointer.

I wrote these on a napkin while at work today.

2008-05-04T17:46:00.000-07:00

I come here and there's a church in the lobby...Well, the remnants of a church. Some young couple (who obviously run it) and their kids are standing around deciding how to take things down. Why is there a church in the lobby? Why is this the first time I've seen or heard of this. One of the older kids is teasing his little sister. I'm not awake enough to be dealing with this, especially not on a Sunday morning. Velvet Underground is playing in my head.

The guy who runs the nail salon next to us looks like an Asian version of one of those Italian gio-sleazeballs with his open shirt, silver bracelets, and fancy cell phone. He drives a shiny, black Escalade with fancy rims and perpetuates the stereotype that Asians can't drive by running over the curb in his fancy car. It is not even 11:30 AM yet and I've been asked if Iron Man is playing here. I don't want to be here and I certainly don't want to be awake on a Sunday morning.

I'm tired. My back hurts, my stomach hurts, and my head does as well. That stupid Escalade is right dead center in my field of vision. Earlier the nail salon man walked past screeching a tuneless "la la la" and banging on my counter as he passed. Some creepy-looking church-y dude (who looked like a cross between Tom Waits and young Santa Claus) just bought six tickets for Expelled...Ew. Something that has been bothering me thus far: Why do people pay with credit cards for a $7.50 ticket?!

Let's Rationalize Human Sexual Relations!

2008-05-01T19:38:00.000-07:00

This is something I've been thinking about for about 4-5 years now:

The Psychology Behind Sex. My peers engage in it and it seems to be a big deal to them, most sexually developed humans seem to engage in it and it seems to be a major aspect of life and conversation. I've read the theories of Fritz Klein and Alfred Kinsey, seen Woody Allen films, read books and diagrams. But as a socially-retarded person, I only understand the science and machanics and not the human factors.

What first put all this in my head? The answer is simple: reading "Flowers For Algernon" while in 4th grade (for recreation). Charlie has sex with Fay, which is merely just fun, educational pleasure. Charlie also "makes love" to Alice, which he describes as being much more than the using of another's body for pleasure.

Honestly, I don't get it. I understand the difference between pure desire/lust and love-desire, but I don't get how it translates it into an activity like sex. An orgasm is an orgasm, right? If the conditions are right, then the results are the same.

I've been going on language cues to divide the act of coitus into three different categories.
1. Fucking: Apathetic, angry, or with slight malice. Ex: I fucked that bitch good.

2. Sex: Apathetic, almost medical, not particularly special. Ex: I don't know, I guess we did have sex last night.

3. Making love: Romantic, passionate, special, involving strong bonds. Ex: (from "Flowers For Algernon") This was the way we loved, until the night became a silent day.

What are your feelings on this?

Infection

2008-05-01T14:33:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine asked me in the hallway how I was. In that moment, I really wanted to say, "I want to get drunk and scream Baudelaire poems", but I shrugged instead.

My stomach has been acting up again...It must be the school. The school inspires dread, fear, and hatred within me and all of that proceeds to settle in my stomach. As a result of my return to that environment, my eating habits have decreased because of the pain and nausea. I only go to school for 3.25 hours every other day and 2 of those hours I am an aide, I still come home worn out, lonely, and with the air of stress. Maybe that ulcer they thought I had last school year is finally starting to develop. Damn stomach problems.

That place is full of anti-intellectual brutes who consider mere sex (or "fucking"), drink, and marijuana to be the highlights of life and experience. Such is their nature and they will never surpass that nature of themselves.
[“The more a man cultivates the arts, the less randy he becomes…Only the brute is good at coupling, and copulation is the lyricism of the masses. To copulate is to enter into another—and the artist never emerges from himself”-- Charles Baudelaire]

I often wish the school had a clocktower and I had a sniper rifle.

Tested

2008-04-30T20:17:00.001-07:00

I'm being tested by the pains of romantic urges. Of course, what sort of notable romance would it be if not unrequited? It's more than just mere sexual attraction, or else it wouldn't have lasted this long or bothered me this much. Knowing it could never be, I'm too much of a coward to just blurt it out and confused enough to want to confront it.

I'd settle for anything at this point...A hug, a handshake, a whisper in my ear, even just a smile.

Foolish me.

From a Whisper to a Scream (and yes, I am an Elvis Costello fan)

2008-04-30T19:40:00.000-07:00

God is dead and so are you.

I’m not talking about physical death here, though all of you are going to eventually be removed from your pathetic, meaningless existences. No, I am speaking of the death of your minds, and the death of your souls. You all in this room are joining the other dead outside that make up this entire country and most of this world.

There are some of you out there who are not dead, but I don’t know if I would call you living either, it doesn’t matter because soon the dead will absorb you and make you dead as well. You will be dragged down with them and make everything you have tried to fight against realized within yourself…By then it will be too late and you will be dead.

I in no way absolve myself from this fate; I have known for a long time that every grasp and gasp of mine is futile in every single way. The air around us is poison and nothing can protect us from that, not luck, not literature, or science, not God, not Oprah or Tyra Banks, and certainly not your damn iPods. Only the Unholy BOOM or the graceful bullet is mercy and frankly you all don’t deserve mercy for your sins. You all don’t deserve the Mercy Seat. Quite honestly, I would like nothing more than to see you all rot and suffer.

I've got your attention now.